Top Ten Golf Tips From An Ascended Master
Posted: Thursday, February 02, 2006
by Roger Lewis
Roger Lewis
Let me begin by describing what I mean by "Ascended Master". Quite simply, I am a scratch golfer who has ascended into a Higher Plane of Consciousness, incorporating all the wisdom of the universe into this wonderful game we call golf. I have reason to believe that I will soon dematerialize and exist only as the fog you see at dawn as you and your loser buddies wait on the first tee, and all I need to get there is to eagle a couple more par fours.
First, throw away your clubs. That's right, just chuck the things into the lake. You've probably tossed a half dozen of the things in there anyway over the years, so just go ahead and toss in the rest. You're going to have to trust me on this.
Two, get some new golf shoes. I recommend nice two tone ones with tassles and the fringy thing that covers the laces. You'll look like a castaway from the Poindexter Club, but what the heck.
Three, start finding new and interesting things to put in your golf bag. It looks naked without the clubs. I recommend a willow branch just budding out. It's pretty, and if you encounter any deer you can give it to them as a snack. Another good choice is a toilet plunger. The rubber makes for a soft feel on approach shots. For distance I use a coke bottle tied to a broomstick, like Lee Trevino used to do. The wonderful thing is that you still have eleven more spaces in the bag. Choose wisely, and if in doubt consult a florist.
Four, start taking lessons from a certified teaching professional. Ask the pro if you're using too much wrist cock on your backswing, and demonstrate with the toilet plunger.
Five, buy a belt like Tiger wears. The western kind with a silver belt tip and a silver belt loop. They're cool, and you'll feel like a million bucks, even if your swing still sucks.
Six, get new golf buddies. The guys from the office just don't get it. If you're going to play like an Ascended Master, you're going to have to start hanging out with Ascended Masters. I recommend joining Rotary Club to see what they're like up close.
Seven, put on weight. As much weight as possible. Girth counts. All that fussing around with balance and shoulder rotation and swing planes becomes irrelevant when a four hundred pound man pounds the hell out of a ball with a coke bottle.
Eight, close your eyes and stand only on your left leg. Place your right foot on your left knee, giving you the appearance of a Figure Four, a sacred number. Swing with the willow branch. Enjoy the moment, because It's beautiful. It has something to do with force field vortices, and I won't elaborate because I promised I wouldn't.
Nine, imagine in your mind's eye a day from your late teens, when you were still discovering yourself. If you happen to actually be in your late teens, imagine that you're a hundred and forty and have discovered about as much of yourself as you can stand.
Ten, abandon all hope. Frustration in golf is predicated on delusional hope for a better outcome on the next shot. Ascended Masters recognize hope for what it is: a black hole, into which is vacuumed up your weekends, your marriage, your every waking thought, and (last but not least) your hard earned cash. Remember, Roger Dunn spelled backwards spells, uh, well, something bad.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)I'm a complete fraud. It pains me to admit it, but I'm not an Ascended Master. The only ascent I've ever accomplished is getting up out of bed in the morning, and sometimes that's a struggle. I format well though.Mr. Rogers,I really enjoyed your article, and it gave me a much needed laugh.
This summer I am working as an Intern, and my job is to put together a small newsletter. I was wondering if you would allow me to put your article in the newsletter?
Thank You,Patrick
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